Hey guys! I`m sorry for late posting..It`s almost like last week of the school, and all the teachers are trying to kill me with tons of essays.. Anyways, this time I`d like to share with you guys about my thoughts and research progress for my inquiry, more specifically than my previous post. Today`s highlight is "Do I really have a mental illness and how do you know if I have some?"
As I already talked in my last post, I sometimes feel like I`m not here and see things like VR since I was young. For example, when I`m doing something (can be anything) in a random place and random time of the random day, I suddenly realize I`m existing as "Tainoshin" me. Besides, I also sometimes feel like I`m watching things through the perspective of someone else who controls me as the character of RPG game. It is really hard to describe and I still don`t know if that is exactly what depersonalization is.
Since both disorders are pretty much alike, people often mixed them up. Here are the specific symptoms of depersonalization and derealization disorder.
Symptoms of depersonalization include:
Feelings that you're an outside observer of your thoughts, feelings, your body or parts of your body — for example, as if you were floating in air above yourself
Feeling like a robot or that you're not in control of your speech or movements
The sense that your body, legs or arms appear distorted, enlarged or shrunken, or that your head is wrapped in cotton
Emotional or physical numbness of your senses or responses to the world around you
A sense that your memories lack emotion, and that they may or may not be your own memories
Symptoms of derealization include:
Feelings of being alienated from or unfamiliar with your surroundings — for example, like you're living in a movie or a dream
Feeling emotionally disconnected from people you care about as if you were separated by a glass wall
Surroundings that appear distorted, blurry, colorless, two-dimensional or artificial, or a heightened awareness and clarity of your surroundings
Distortions in a perception of time, such as recent events feeling like distant past
Distortions of distance and the size and shape of objects
I was so lucky that Ms. Mantei (my butterfly effect teacher) told me about the YouTuber named DoddleOddle(https://www.youtube.com/doddleoddle)who has been suffering depersonalization and derealization since she was 17 years old. I went to her channel immediately and watched all the videos that she talks about it which extremely helped me to define what`s going on. While I was watching and summarizing her videos, I strongly felt sympathy for her and what she was feeling because some of them are exactly same as how I feel such as "I walked home in this weird bright dream world." which sometimes happen to me too especially when I`m having so much stress in myself. I could find a lot of similarities in her, even among those, I could really relate to her when she says "I`m not logging any memories in properly and that`ll forget everything."
This always happens every after I experience depersonalization/derealization, and when it comes to me I forget about literally everything except my name. All the human relations I have, names, faces, memories I`ve shared with them and that even includes my family. I try to piece them together, though it takes a few minutes to get back everything and to make matters worse, some of my memories permanently gone away just like you spilled a cup of water.
I thought I only have one of these: depersonalization or derealization, but through my researching, I realized that symptoms I`m having are pretty much relevant to both above. Thus my conclusion so far is that I`m slightly having both mental disorders.